It's recently come to my attention that I haven't been doing the things I love lately. In fact, I haven't been doing much at all. I think it's a combination of time management problems, lack of motivation, and pure unadulturated laziness. I have plenty of interesting, creative things I could spend my time doing. Like reading one of the 6 books I'm in the middle of. Or finishing some of the knitting projects sitting lonely on random shelves and in random baskets. Or, inventorying and working on selling the vast collection of jewelry from Night Light Bangkok that's sitting in my laundry room.
I complain that I don't have time to do those things. But is that really the truth? I spent half an hour yesterday doing Sudoku. An hour last night watching TV. Most days I spend more time doing unproductive things like that. Of course, in the meantime I also neglect my cleaning projects. I've had all the supplies for a week to re-grout my shower. Not the most fun task in the world, but it'll be beautiful when it's done!
So, where does my motivation come from, and why can't I find it when I have down time (like right now...)? Sleepiness definitely gets in the way. But something like knitting would be so cathartic! Reading might put me to sleep, but I could use this time to do plenty of other things. Right? Just a couple weeks ago I re-organized my life. I did my closets, managed some spring cleaning (in the fall), bought a new organizer, and actually started making lists and dividing up my regular cleaning tasks throughout the week. Unfortunately follow-through isn't my strong point. I could blame motherhood for that, but isn't that a cop out? I know women who homeschool their kids, keep their house in order, and still manage to bake cookies from scratch. I guess I just have to recognize that's not me. I was never a domestic goddess, and no matter how hard I try I'll probably never be. But I can strive to do better. I can hope to become the Proverbs 31 wife. (And my husband probably hopes for that too!) :)
And since when does motherhood mean giving up so much of myself that I fade into the background and become a mere window through which people see only my kids? That's so not what I want to be. If I'm going to fade and let someone else shine through, that should be Jesus, not my kids. I still believe that I cannot place my identity in my kids - it puts too much pressure on them to perform and misplaces my priorities. So then, the next time I have downtime (which, hopefully will be as soon as I submit this post), I'll find myself some yarn and needles and continue that cardigan I started for Liam. After, of course, I fold the laundry and have some personal worship time...