Moving to Wordpress

**This is a sticky. It will stay at the top, please scroll down for newer posts. As of March 18, my only new posts to this blog will deal with our toxic mold situation. My regular blog continues at Wordpress.**

This blog was my induction into the blogosphere, and I'm very happy with what I accomplished here. But in the last several months I've learned that there are other blog publishers out there, each with its own pros and cons. Several months ago I found wordpress, and after experimenting with it a bit, I found that it fits my personality and needs better.

So today I say good-bye to Cozy Paradigms at Blogger, and I move to Mudlark Tales at Wordpress. I hope my faithful readership (all 4 of you) will follow me there - in the sense of reading my posts there - I don't expect you all (all 4 of you) to move your blogs there...

Doing a bit o' good

Ladies and gents, I've tried not to stand on my soap box too much with the blog. I don't think it's the right media to push an agenda. But JourneyMama's post today inspired me to say a few words. There is so very much extreme poverty and injustice in the world. Every 3 seconds a child dies from the effects of extreme poverty - through malnutrition, starvation, unclean water supply, lack of access to medicine - that means that while you've read this sentence 3 children have died preventable deaths. Trafficking in human beings is now the 3rd largest money-making business in the world, behind arms and drug trafficking. That includes children being trafficked into sex slavery as well as women forced into prostitution.

One picture I'll never get out of my head is an elderly man in Kiev bending down to lick melted ice cream of the pavement. That's poverty. Of course, there are plenty of people in the world who would be jealous of a meal like that. If you think you're poor or struggling for resources, think again. Whoops! 5 more children just died from poverty-related causes.

So I ask you, what are you, personally, doing to contribute to the solution? You can be a part of the solution, or your complacency can be a part of the problem. Step up, take a stand. Get involved. My personal favorites are NightLight, Trade As One, International Justice Mission, World Relief, and World Vision. If none of that appeals to you, google Servants Anonymous, CARE, Food for the Hungry, and there are plenty of other organizations out there vying for support. Choose one. Choose more if you want. But don't just sit there sipping coffee behind your 17" DSL empowered screen. Do something. One person can have effect transformative change on the world.

Post a comment. Tell me what cause you've been supporting or plan to support. Let the blogosphere know. Your silence encourages complacency.

Click here for your good deed today

Thank goodness for companies that (a) do good, and (b) have a sense of humor. Seventh Generation falls into that category. They're tackling a problem that most people won't touch - the need for feminine products in women's shelters. You can click here and they'll donate a box of chlorine free tampons to a shelter in your state (or the state of your choice). Go to Tampontification to check out their sense of humor and all that they do for the cause of feminine hygiene.

Today's ministry

My floors are swept and mopped, my family room and kitchen are (mostly) decluttered. My guest bedroom is dusted and the furniture is polished. My guest bath is about half way scrubbed. But it's Friday. I like to leave Saturdays for family time, and I'm happy to have the luxury to do so. And Sunday is the Sabbath. So today, I have to prepare my home for the weekend. Or, as mentioned in an earlier post, I want to work for the Sabbath.

So, my tasks for today are... clean the toys out of the front yard, sweep the back deck, clean my shower, do umpteen loads of laundry, tidy the playroom and Bean's room (with her help... we'll see how that works out), plan and prepare dessert for tomorrow's party, and begin the arduous task of decluttering the master bedroom.

It's ambitious, I know. But the good news is that it isn't done begrudgingly or out of "kitchen slavery" as the Soviet posters would have you believe, but out of my desire to create an environment that is calming to my family and provides a suitable 'sanctuary' for the Sabbath. So this is my ministry. Today. We'll see about tomorrow when it comes.

Edited 5:32 PM: Little Man's doctor appointment took 2 full hours, and that was after Bean had a 'needy' morning with lots of attention. After a late lunch for all of us and my first round of antibiotics, I was beat and took a little 'catnap' while the kids slept. For 2 hours. So much for my domestic ministry today. Now, I'm off to cook dinner and throw together tomorrow's party dessert. Oh well.

Stuff

I admit it, I'm attached to my stuff. I like my house (I'd like it more if my kitchen countertops were granite...), I'd have a love affair with my car if it would love me back, I think my kids' playroom is awesome, and I think my piano is rock-on cool.

So the thought of making a Big Life Decision that would compromise my stuff makes me pretty unhappy. I know it shouldn't. After all, you can't take it with you, right? But geez, I want to enjoy it! And more than that, I shouldn't be so concerned about my materialistic junk (though it really isn't junk). There are higher things to set my mind on, and let's face it, where your treasure is there your heart will be also. But man! I like my stuff! I don't want to walk away from it all. Gosh darn those Big Life Decisions! I've gotta get over this attachment to stuff, but I'd rather do it on my timeline, not necessarily right now.

Is my reality real?

There are things that I know to be true. Like, the sun will continue to rise and set. Nordstrom will continue to be too pricey for my stay-at-home mom budget. Birds fly south for winter. Fruits, veggies, and dairy keep us healthy, while refined sugars, cheetos and white bread will keep us sane. And there are things I think are true. 100 years from now science may disprove me, but I firmly believe that there are substances out there (bleach, ammonia, transfats) that we can relatively easily avoid and that are suspected to cause health problems.

As a mom, isn't it a part of my job to use my best judgment and keep my kids away from the things I think to be potentially harmful? I know that some of my fears are irrational. Like my fear of balloons. And kites. (I'll never be able to explain, so don't ask!) And I do everything I can to not pass those on to my kids. But other worries are entirely rational and it's worth teaching my kids to be cautious in certain situations. What, in that, says that I'll raise my kids to be afraid of everything?

Is what I see as reality actually real? Or are they right? Am I really overprotective and paranoid? I tend to think that my reality is real. That I possess information they don't, and that information guides my choices. Of course, we all weigh the sources out there and choose what to cling to and what to discard. Is my perception skewed?

Am I really a bad mom because I don't want Little Man exposed to an R-rated movie that's packed with fight scenes and murder? Or because I don't want Bean eating raw eggs that could be tainted with salmonella? Sure, I ate raw cookie dough as a child and lived. And chances are, she will too. But as long as there's a chance that it has salmonella, what's the harm until waiting until it's cooked to eat it? Does that really make me a 'scared, anxious, overprotective mom'? Or when I wipe the chemical residue off a toy that someone else has just cleaned with bleach, and I can still see the little slimy bleach bubbles on it - am I really paranoid just because I want to wipe those off before putting it in a 2 year old's little hands?

I'm so sick of the judgment. When it comes from a stranger (which it inevitably does, sometimes), I can shrug it off pretty easily and move on. But when it comes from someone I know and love, someone I see regularly, and they make judgmental comments about what a paranoid freak of a mom I am, it doesn't take long before it gets old.

Inspirations

George Verwer spoke today at Perimeter. I'd have to say it ranks up there as one of those 'turning point' moments. It was Global Outreach Sunday, and the Global Outreach team (think 'missions') handed out country specific boxes to everyone. You could choose between one of Perimeter's 8 partner countries/regions (Thailand, China, India, Guatemala, Tanzania, Poland, Central Asia, or the Arab world) and the box contains things like a country specific prayer calendar, piggy bank, fridge magnet. It was really well done.

The worship was amazing today - the worship team really outdid themselves, and there was so much energy in the congregation! It was awesome. There was a powerful time of prayer for the partner countries, and after that, George Verwer stepped up. George is the founder of Operation Mobilisation, and a highly respected missiologist and theologian. Come to find out today, he's also a bit eccentric and really fun to be around. In fact, one of the questions he asked today was "Why are American [Christians] so boring?" As he said, Hudson Taylor could walk through the door and no one would so much as bat an eye. George is, by the way, an American, though he's lived overseas for the last 46 years.

He gave a challenge, at the heart of which is a longing for more holistic missions, to adopt one of the seven people on the side of the road. Using the text about the good Samaritan who comes across a stranger who's been robbed and beaten up, he expanded that to say that today there are seven strangers on the side of the world. They are:

• At risk children
• Abused women
• AIDS/HIV patients
• the extreme poor
• those who lack clean water
• the unborn
• the environment
  

Will we be good Samaritans to one of the seven? That's all he asked - choose one. I have a good idea of which one I'm going to focus on. To be sure though, I think putting these issues in this format helps keep all the issues on the radar. By being intentional, we can in fact act in small ways to have an impact daily on several of them. Anyhow, when George Verwer speaks, it's really powerful. And furthermore, it's nice to see evangelical Christians finally taking up the causes that, until now, have been taken up only by (or primarily by) secular organizations.

I shook his hand after the service (I shook George Verwer's hand!). And then when I got home I sent him an email about Trade As One and NightLight. I don't know if he'll find either compelling enough to get involved. But if he does... man, can he motivate people and get them on board!

Can spanking really be made a crime?

I must admit, I've been a blog slacker lately. Honestly, 2 weeks and no posts! Shame on me... On the other hand, in the last 2 weeks I've accomplished quite a bit outside of the blog world (coincidence? I think not...) The good news is that my house is cleaner and more organized than it's been in many many months. My kids have had lots and lots of 'mommy time,' and I've managed to get my 'mompreneur' business idea rolling. Yippee! But I'm back. I missed blogging - really, I did. It may be a somewhat dysfunctional excuse for community, but that's okay.

Since I've been 'away,' a bill has been put forward in California to outlaw spanking. The idea behind the bill is nice - curb child abuse by making it illegal to ever hit a child. And for the sake of our children, perhaps child abuse laws should be re-evaluated and social workers be given a little more resources to do their jobs. However, banning corporal punishment isn't the answer.

My position on spanking... as a last resort, when other means of correction have been exhausted, a child who is able to discern right from wrong in a given situation may need something as harsh as a spanking to teach and correct behavior. I'm well aware that the American Academy of Pediatrics and virtually every psychologist on the planet advise against it. But let's face it, as parents we have to teach our children right from wrong. We have to teach them to avoid things that are harmful to themselves or others. Never in a million years would I have thought I'd ever need to spank the Bean. But I was wrong. I've only officially spanked her once. But she has gotten a mild pop on the well-diapered rear twice. And it killed me to do it! I've been told by moms with older kids that the key to avoiding spanking is being creative with discipline. Perhaps I'm not creative enough. Please, share your creative discipline tips with me. For the sake of wisdom and for my kids' wellbeing.

If you are going to spank, I think the following is pretty well accepted as guidelines: Don't spank out of anger or emotion. Examine the child's motives for their behavior. Examine your own role in your child's behavior (if your kid is hungry and you skipped naps today, you can't expect him to be an angel). Use loving words and assure your unconditional love for the child before and after spanking. Be more liberal with hugs and cuddles than you are with spanking. Vary your discipline techniques - there's more to discipline than time outs and spanking.

Let's go back to that bill in California. What would happen if the bill was passed? Potentially, neighbors, store clerks, etc. would start reporting well-meaning parents for any possible infringement of the law, adding enormous work loads for already overworked social workers and police officers. Spanking, already a taboo topic among all but very close friends, would become even more taboo, leaving many parents without the much needed counsel and wisdom of friends. Would that really help the situation? Honestly, the parents who fret and worry about whether or not it's okay to spank are worlds different than the parents who abuse their children without batting an eye. Changing the law will not hinder them in the least. It would only deepen the stigma we feel when our children's behavior is dangerous enough to necessitate some sort of discipline that will get their attention.

Here's a link to a news story about the bill, and one to NPR's radio coverage of it. All Things Considered had commentary from a woman who was a meditative Eastern Orthodox Christian, saying that though she has spanked her son once and won't apologize for it, she is inherently against spanking. She claimed that anyone who believes in seeking God should be focused on the inner life - the life of the spirit - and that spanking is the opposite of this and teaches our kids the opposite. While I won't call her a meditative fruitcake, I do think her theology is a bit skewed. God isn't concerned only with the spiritual side of life - He's very much involved with, sovereign over, and concerned about our physical lives. He deeply loves our children, perhaps more than we as parents do. And just as He chastens His followers and requires us to feel the consequences of our actions, He expects us as parents to do the same for our children. The Bible actually says "Don't fail to correct your children. They won't die if you spank them. Physical discipline may well save them from death." (Proverbs 23: 13-14, NLT) The rod mentioned throughout Proverbs is the same as the one mentioned in the oft-quoted Psalm 23 "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death ... Your rod and your staff, they comfort me..." The idea behind it is that we are comforted by knowing that God is just and He is in control. His rod is a symbol of authority, and knowing that the authority you're under is consistent, just, and loving is incredibly freeing and comforting. And so it is for our children. We must discipline, and that discipline must be fitting and appropriate to both the situation and the child.

Again, I'll restate my plea from above. Moms and dads, share some ideas of creative discipline you use. Anything goes, as long as it doesn't involve inflicting physical pain. Tell me what you do, and what offenses merit it.

A revelation about happiness

My cousin Stefani gave me this great book to read - Too much of a good thing, by Dan Kindlon. It's a great parenting book - I highly recommend it for parents with kids of any age. Anyhow, Dan mentions a study about what brings happiness - not just for kids but for everyone.

He says that happiness comes from challenges, or things in general that focus us and require our undivided attention. In fact, a study was done with elderly residents in a nursing home. Half the residents were told that they are self-sufficient, responsible for themselves, and moreso, were entirely responsible for a plant placed in their room. The other half were told that the staff would take complete care of them, and that the staff would completely care for the plant in their room. The could relax, rest, and have no worries. The former group - the one who was told they were responsible for themselves and their plant - lived longer and were happier. The premise is that we're not necessarily happiest when we have all the things we want or when everything in life is going our way. Instead, we're happiest when we're fully engaged in something that focuses our attention - for some that might be reading a good book or playing an instrument well. For others it might translate to a challenging career.

The kicker was that the challenge has to be appropriate. If it's unsurmountable, it doesn't bring happiness but stress. If it's too easy it brings boredom. And I'm seeing that now with Sofia. In the morning, she wants to dress herself. Wait. no. She wants to pick out her clothes. She wants control of the entire process - to go up the stairs by herself, open each drawer and choose the appropriate article of clothing from it. Then, she proceeds to up all the various pieces of clothing she's going to wear, throw them at me in one thrust, and then sit in my lap for me to dress her. If I offer to let her dress herself, she throws herself on the floor in a toddler fit. Dressing herself, apparently, is an insurmountable task. But taking off her clothes (and diaper too) and then choosing her outfit for the day is the perfect challenge for her. Or so I'm learning.

I can't figure out how to balance this for Liam though. He gets frustrated so easily. He desperately wants to walk, but won't let go of the furniture. If we challenge him to, the whining begins. When he gets frustrated my first instinct is to rescue, but I guess I need to learn the balance of providing him with appropriate challenges.

I think this will only get harder as they grow older. The trouble is how to motivate them and push them to succeed while engaging their minds and hearts, and at the same time focusing on character development rather than whether or not they were the team's MVP or the class valedictorian.

So, as they grow older, a cell phone or generous allowance isn't the way to make our kids happy. Nor is sheltering them from all pain and suffering (as much as I'd like to do that). And protecting them from consequences definitely won't help. It's all about challenging them and focusing them.

Priorities

So, parenting is about giving your children what they need, not just what they want. What they want is for the world to revolve around them. For the people (and things) they love to be ever-present. But what do they need? They need to know that they are loved, and they need examples of proper priorities and values. They need character development, and that comes, in part, from not always getting the things we want.

Therefore, it just might be that my upcoming trip to Bangkok is good for them. Explaining to them that mama's going on an airplane to help people somewhere else, and explaining to them that God loves those people too, will teach them certain values. And long-term, it's an example of how we, as their parents (I include Eugene in this, because I couldn't do this without his strong support), place our values and see our parenting responsibilities. God always first, then our marriage, then our kids. And let's face it... with my kids at their current ages (Liam will be 13 months in Janary, Sofia will be 3 months shy of 3 years old), it's the perfect time for me to go somewhere. Traveling without them will be much harder when they're old enough to remember that mom missed their piano recital or soccer game. Or, when they have so many activities that they need a full-time taxi driver (a.k.a., "mom").

I worry about them and how they'll manage without me for a week and a half. And I worry that whoever is caring for them won't remember to give Sofia her vitamin, or to tell her a story at bedtime, or watch how Liam treats his ear. Or the obvious, that something bad will happen while I'm away. But, I have to remember to trust in God (and trust in others' abilities to care for my kids...), and most importantly, that God is sovereign and loves my kids even more than I do.

Thailand...

Tickets are bought. I'm headed to Thailand this January, and couldn't be farther from my comfort zone! I'll be there for 10 days, working with NightLight. I'm going with a small team from Perimeter, and there are so many reasons for me to be hesitant! The first, and most important (to me, that is), is that I'll be leaving my kids behind for 10 whole days! I've never left them for a night! Even when I was in labor with Liam, I made sure Eugene stayed home with Sofia until she fell asleep... Then there are the issues about culture shock - I've never been to Asia. In fact, I've never been anywhere except N. America and Europe. It's going to be so very incredibly different. I'm not sure I'm ready for that. And, I'll be visiting the red-light district of Bangkok. That is something I'm definitely not prepared for. I need to find a way to get over my indignation and anger (regardless of how righteous my indignation will be - it won't get anything done) about the way these women are treated and dig deep to focus on compassion for them. As if that isn't enough to consider, I'll also be ministering to women who have been trafficked from Eastern Europe, specifically Russian speakers. My Russian is so rusty, it's almost non-existent. I have a lot of studying to do! Pray that God would bring back my Russian proficiency miraculously fast!

The big news of the day, though, is that you can now (finally) buy NightLight jewelry online (click here)! Use your consumer dollars to rescue women from exploitation!

Working *for* the Sabbath

It's true. Many Christians think that the commandment to observe the Sabbath and make it holy doesn't count anymore. In fact when pressed, you might find that they actually believe in the 9 commandments. Observing the Sabbath is inconvenient, counter-cultural, and can seem like a waste of time in our task-oriented society. Businesses like Chick Fil A, Hobby Lobby (and I'm sure there are others) are closed on Sundays, and they're not hurting for profits. But they're in the minority.

We've been looking at the Sabbath at Perimeter, both in Sunday's sermon and in our current discipleship track. I've been convicted. I don't think I've ever observed the Sabbath, at least not the way I should. Sure, there have been Sundays when I've sat around on my lazy tush - but that wasn't to make it holy, it was just to be lazy. So what does it mean to make it holy? Randy Pope talks about not just getting off the treadmil, but walking over the window and gazing out at God's glory, and resting in that. It's a time to reconnect with God and set it aside for Him. Often, there are too many things ocupying my mind on Sundays and too many tasks to be done for me to focus on Him. Someone brought up the idea of working six days not just to keep up with work, but actually working towards Sunday, so that the Sabbath can be made holy without distractions. (We won't get into debates here about what day of the week the Sabbath is...) I kind of like that idea. It means that when I'm scrubbing my floors or toilets I'm actually doing it to the glory of God so that it won't distract me on the Sabbath. It gives whole new meaning to the menial tasks I do every day.

Working six days for the Sabbath gives purpose and motivation. And it clears the Sabbath for a focus on God. Another point Randy brought up in his sermon is that when we do observe the Sabbath - even when on vacation or when other things try to get in the way - we actually influence the next generation to do the same. If every time we go on vacation we skip church on Sundays and just carry on like the Sabbath is just another day, then our kids will likely adopt a laissez faire attitude to church when they have the opportunity to make their own choices. But when we stand for something, and make sacrifices for it, it impacts our kids long term. So, with that said, i have some work to do for the Sabbath.

Time to re-evaluate

It's recently come to my attention that I haven't been doing the things I love lately. In fact, I haven't been doing much at all. I think it's a combination of time management problems, lack of motivation, and pure unadulturated laziness. I have plenty of interesting, creative things I could spend my time doing. Like reading one of the 6 books I'm in the middle of. Or finishing some of the knitting projects sitting lonely on random shelves and in random baskets. Or, inventorying and working on selling the vast collection of jewelry from Night Light Bangkok that's sitting in my laundry room.

I complain that I don't have time to do those things. But is that really the truth? I spent half an hour yesterday doing Sudoku. An hour last night watching TV. Most days I spend more time doing unproductive things like that. Of course, in the meantime I also neglect my cleaning projects. I've had all the supplies for a week to re-grout my shower. Not the most fun task in the world, but it'll be beautiful when it's done!

So, where does my motivation come from, and why can't I find it when I have down time (like right now...)? Sleepiness definitely gets in the way. But something like knitting would be so cathartic! Reading might put me to sleep, but I could use this time to do plenty of other things. Right? Just a couple weeks ago I re-organized my life. I did my closets, managed some spring cleaning (in the fall), bought a new organizer, and actually started making lists and dividing up my regular cleaning tasks throughout the week. Unfortunately follow-through isn't my strong point. I could blame motherhood for that, but isn't that a cop out? I know women who homeschool their kids, keep their house in order, and still manage to bake cookies from scratch. I guess I just have to recognize that's not me. I was never a domestic goddess, and no matter how hard I try I'll probably never be. But I can strive to do better. I can hope to become the Proverbs 31 wife. (And my husband probably hopes for that too!) :)

And since when does motherhood mean giving up so much of myself that I fade into the background and become a mere window through which people see only my kids? That's so not what I want to be. If I'm going to fade and let someone else shine through, that should be Jesus, not my kids. I still believe that I cannot place my identity in my kids - it puts too much pressure on them to perform and misplaces my priorities. So then, the next time I have downtime (which, hopefully will be as soon as I submit this post), I'll find myself some yarn and needles and continue that cardigan I started for Liam. After, of course, I fold the laundry and have some personal worship time...

New concept...

A good friend and mentor, Kristin, told me the other day that Eisenhower's mother taught her children that each child in the family is essential to the family's existence, to the point that if the child were not a part of the family, the family unit would fall apart. I see this in two ways, really. On one hand, it gives the kids a very strong sense that they matter, that they're important, and that their every contribution is crucial. And that's a very good thing. On the other hand, what kind of pressure does that put on them, and what kind of expectations? Don't get me wrong, expectations are a good thing. And perhaps, when balanced with constant reassurance of unconditional love that pressure might be okay too. I just have this sense that telling my kids that the family wouldn't exist without them gives them constant pressure not to let the family down. So maybe the concept is good, but the wording should be altered. Maybe that means I should tell my kids how important they are to me, and how vital their contribution to the family is. And besides, I truly think that my family's well being depends more on God and our individual relationships with God than on any individual.

On a different note, I put a note in Sofi's lunch box every day. Tuesday I wrote "You're a star." When I picked her up from preschool and asked her what she ate for lunch, she rattled off an orange, cheese, turkey, and crackers, and "Mama says I'm a star!" It really does matter to her! And just this morning I was playing with her on the couch, and had to run to the next room. I reassured her that I'd be right back because... "you're so much..." (pause as I choke back sneeze) and she finished my sentence with "FUN!" Do you know what that means? It means that I tell her enough how much I appreciate spending time with her - enough that she knows it and can say it back to me! It warmed my heart!

Too much stuff

Last night we had some friends over for dinner. They're a family from Moldova, and they're great people. But you should have seen their eyes when they saw the playroom! Their 9-yr old daughter was amazed. I don't think she'd ever seen so many toys in one place. They all mentioned, numerous times, that they didn't have those sort of things growing up. All the batteries, all the many many toys. They were pretty shocked. And to think about it, maybe we should be too. Maybe we shouldn't have so many toys that both kids can spend an entire day inside without playing with the same toy twice, and without getting bored.

It seems that our kids should have to use their imagination more. And have a strong desire to go outside or find friends to play with, rather than actually wanting to stay inside all day and play with their toys. Am I right? Or maybe I'm just crazy.

What does it do to my kids to have that many toys? Well, they get bored when they don't have lots of toys around, because they aren't used to using their imaginations. They expect to always have lots of toys, and they take them for granted. Not good. They'd rather spend a day playing with toys instead of doing other things. Of course, the good part is that my kids can pretty much entertain themselves while I cook dinner or sweep the floor (or write my blog...). It sure does make my day easier. But that's not really what parenting is all about.

And what kind of example do I set for them? I have 3 strollers, at least 5 diaper bags, more shoes than I'd like to count, the list goes on. What would it take to ensure that my kids aren't materialistic? It starts with me and Eugene. We have to curb our spending habits and learn to go without a little more frequently. And then, we have to stop anticipating our kids' every desire and fulfilling before they even have a chance to ask. There's something about a sense of desire. I met a 6-yr old once who couldn't name anything she wanted for Christmas, because she already had everything she wanted. That's not because she was content with what she had, it was because her house was full from top to bottom with all the things she could ever ask for.

I think I need to set better limits for Sofia. It's time to let the word "no" flow a little more, and put a reign on "yes," "maybe," and "next time." It's also time to evaluate my purchases a bit more discerningly.

Kids first? I don't think so...

If my world (and by that I mean my thoughts, my identity, my actions, and the way I spend my time) revolve around my kids, it tells them that the world revolves around them. Besides that, it puts unrealistic pressure on them - if my world revolves around them then my sense of success and fulfillment revolves around their character development, their decisions, and how they choose to behave and spend their time. That's more pressure than any child should have.

Security comes (in part) from knowing that the people who raised you support you, support your choices, and moreover, are secure in their own identity. Parents place undue pressure on their kids when they depend on their kids for their meaning in life, sense of fulfillment and purpose.

Prioritizing in the art of making primary what should be primary, and allowing other things to fall rightly into place behind that. For me, what's primary is God. He created me, rescued me from self-destruction and sin, and regardless of what rotten thoughts I have, or how depraved I am, He still loves me according to his abundant grace. He is the only one who will never disappoint me, and will always love me with no reservations. Next is my husband. And I know that seems awfully counter-cultural and scandalous to put him before my kids, but I truly think that's the way it should be. He was my family before my kids ever were, and he is essential to my kids' emotional and developmental well-being. And that places my kids third in line. That doesn't mean I love them any less, it just means that my choices in life need to be prioritized correctly and I can never put my kids before my relationship with my husband.

Finally, coming in behind my family is my career, or future career, or extra-familial impact on the world around me, in whatever form that may be. And that career or whatever it is and becomes, should serve those things that stand higher on my list of priorities. That means, it should somehow serve the Kingdom of God and tangibly exhibit God's love for the world. It should also allow ample space for my family to grow and thrive.

As I think about the many forms that may take, and the life goals I have for myself, what I keep coming back to is rehabilitation for victims of the sex trade in Eastern Europe, and assisting in the effort to stop that trade. Unfortunately, I don't see how my current set of skills and expertise fit into that. So there lies the quandary. All the sincerity and good intentions in the world won't make a bit of difference.

I do want to be able to look back at my life when I'm 95 (optimistic, I know, but Eugene will outlive me), and see that I truly made a difference in the world. Of course I'll make a difference in my children's lives, and that alone is sufficient, but how else can I leave my footprint on the world? I'd like to look back and see that I affected long term change. I'd also like to know that God used me to do His will, and that other people's lives and eternal lives were impacted. We'll see how that plays out. But in the meantime, I still have to figure out what to do with today.

Mean preschoolers

So, I took Sofi to preview day at her preschool (or Mothers' Morning Out program) - I'm not a hypocrite, I'm just sending her 2 mornings a week. That way, she gets the enrichment and social activity, and I can run my errands without dragging her around town whining and complaining. And, when she comes home I can be mentally there with her rather than going through my mental lists of what I need to get done.

So, this whole preschool thing... at preview day there was a little boy who wouldn't share with her. I want to give her coping mechanisms for that, so I told her to go and ask him to let her have a turn too, please, which she did with finesse and charm. But, the little bugger (I'm not biased, really) said no and walked off with the toy (which, by the way, he had just snatched from her sweet little hand). Sadly, she looked to me for wisdom, and hoping I'd solve the problem for her. I won't always be there though, so she needs to learn to cope, right? So I did my best to explain that not all boys and girls have learned how much fun it can be to share, so she would just have to show them and set a good example. Now, that's fine when I'm sitting next to her to give her comfort and courage, but what happens this Tuesday when I drop her off and drive away, leaving her with 8 other kids and 2 teachers? I'm sure the teachers won't see everything, and I don't want to teach Sofi to be a tattle-tale. It's amazing how young bullies start being bullies (and I don't mean to say that this little boy was a bully, but what if there is one in her class?) and in a class of 9 kids there are only 3 girls. I do so hope the girls accept her. Girls can be brutal! Cliques form at such a young age, and they only get worse as they grow up.

Sadly, even moms at the playground separate into groups based on the brand of stroller or diaper bag you have. Or the brand of shoes, brand of kids' clothes, or even whether you stopped at Chick Fil A for lunch or Wendy's, and of course there are those moms who took the time and energy to prepare a healthy picnic lunch before leaving the house - and our kids probably shouldn't even be neighbors with their kids on the swing-set - we might inadvertently tempt them to indulge in some sort of grease saturated junk food and then where would the world be?

We're all in this together, right? all the preschoolers starting for the first time are in the same boat - missing their moms and dads (and siblings if they're so blessed), in a new chaotic environment that seems at once exciting and threatening, and having to make new friends with strange kids when they don't even know how to make friends or even play together - really, they have to parallel play with strangers! So why can't they love each other and create a warm, fuzzy, supportive environment? Well, part 1, because they're not developmentally there. Part 2, and probably more important, because we moms and dads don't model the example enough for them. Can't we all just get along?

Okay, abandon the cliches, but really, if we want our kids to have better social skills, we have to make some effort to stop judging our own peers. And we also have to teach our kids that not everyone will like them. As sad as it sounds, and as much as I hate to admit it, not everyone will like my precious angels. And I need to teach them that's okay and give them the skills they need to cope with it. My first instinct is to tell Sofi before she goes to school that she'll make new friends and that all the kids will love her. But, I can't really make that promise, and frankly, there probably will be kids that don't like her. And it's my job to teach her that's okay, and to treat other kids with respect even if she doesn't like them. Eek! it's a harsh world out there, and I'm just not ready to share that harshness with my kids at such a young age! But sheltering them won't help either.