Time to re-evaluate

It's recently come to my attention that I haven't been doing the things I love lately. In fact, I haven't been doing much at all. I think it's a combination of time management problems, lack of motivation, and pure unadulturated laziness. I have plenty of interesting, creative things I could spend my time doing. Like reading one of the 6 books I'm in the middle of. Or finishing some of the knitting projects sitting lonely on random shelves and in random baskets. Or, inventorying and working on selling the vast collection of jewelry from Night Light Bangkok that's sitting in my laundry room.

I complain that I don't have time to do those things. But is that really the truth? I spent half an hour yesterday doing Sudoku. An hour last night watching TV. Most days I spend more time doing unproductive things like that. Of course, in the meantime I also neglect my cleaning projects. I've had all the supplies for a week to re-grout my shower. Not the most fun task in the world, but it'll be beautiful when it's done!

So, where does my motivation come from, and why can't I find it when I have down time (like right now...)? Sleepiness definitely gets in the way. But something like knitting would be so cathartic! Reading might put me to sleep, but I could use this time to do plenty of other things. Right? Just a couple weeks ago I re-organized my life. I did my closets, managed some spring cleaning (in the fall), bought a new organizer, and actually started making lists and dividing up my regular cleaning tasks throughout the week. Unfortunately follow-through isn't my strong point. I could blame motherhood for that, but isn't that a cop out? I know women who homeschool their kids, keep their house in order, and still manage to bake cookies from scratch. I guess I just have to recognize that's not me. I was never a domestic goddess, and no matter how hard I try I'll probably never be. But I can strive to do better. I can hope to become the Proverbs 31 wife. (And my husband probably hopes for that too!) :)

And since when does motherhood mean giving up so much of myself that I fade into the background and become a mere window through which people see only my kids? That's so not what I want to be. If I'm going to fade and let someone else shine through, that should be Jesus, not my kids. I still believe that I cannot place my identity in my kids - it puts too much pressure on them to perform and misplaces my priorities. So then, the next time I have downtime (which, hopefully will be as soon as I submit this post), I'll find myself some yarn and needles and continue that cardigan I started for Liam. After, of course, I fold the laundry and have some personal worship time...

Mom Corps

I just found the coolest thing online - it's called Mom Corps and it's a matchmaking service between former full-time professionals who have become stay at home moms and employers looking for non-traditional employees. Check it out here. I'd still love to come up with a great idea and become a mompreneur, but in the meantime, while I'm brainstorming for greatness and coming up with funds to finance my upcoming brilliant idea, maybe I could find non-traditional work in my field. Do you think I have too much going on? (I ask this as Sofia is watching TV - but I least I made her a healthy breakfast this morning and we already took a walk! And when Liam wakes up we'll all be off to the park.)

Of course, the real impact of this website (Mom Corps, that is) is that it circumvents the brain drain of qualified women from the work force. The current trend is that top colleges have a gender imbalance - there are more women seeking higher degrees than men. But, several years after graduation, a huge number of those women leave the work force to raise families. Women are not taking on upper level positions in major corporations because they're choosing families over careers. People like Linda Hirshman say this is because the feminist movement stopped short of its goal. The feminist movement made significant headway in the professional world, but never transformed family life and gender roles. While Mom Coprs doesn't really address that side of it, it does offer an alternative to the current gender imbalance in the workplace. Is it possible that women really can have it all (with the added plus of mopping floors, cooking meals, and being interior decorators to say the least...)?

Plans made. Somewhat.

I think I've figured it out. Long term plans, that is. I've had this whole dilemma about what to be when I grow up. (See my very first post from August this year for more on that.) Long term vision: To end the traffic of women from Moldova into sex slavery. (Did you know that there are more slaves worldwide today than there were when slavery was abolished in the US?)

To do that, I think I need a law degree. It would give me the legitimacy in Moldova to work in that arena, and the international law expertise to work towards that goal. The problem all along was, how do I do it without sacrificing my family? The women and moms I respect most have careers - but they work from their homes, so they're always around for their kids, and by being their own bosses they can take off time when they need to.

So, here it is... I can go to law school part time over the next 5 years or so. Once I've graduated and past the bar, I work part time for an NGO. After I have enough experience (and as long as we're in the US), I set up office in my home and be my own boss, doing some sort of consulting or private practice. The key is that I have to be content with never becoming a high-powered corporate lawyer earning the big bucks. I'll get my kicks from the impact I have as an agent of change.

Short term, I don't know how to make that work. I still want to be a MOMpreneur and I don't want to wait until I can run my own home-based private practice to do that. So, is there some venture I can start in the meantime and work at while I do this? I have almost a full year before I'll enter law school (assuming my application is accepted). I'll have to think more on that. Maybe I can get something started, and have it running smoothly enough by fall next year that it won't be a drain on my time.

To be or not to be... a stay at home mom

What are the values I want to teach my kids? I want them to always have a sense of hunger, or unfulfilled desire - that there's always something they wish for that's just out of reach. I want them to learn the value of hard work, and that relationships take as much work and dedication as careers do. I want them to know that they can do anything, but that doesn't mean that they can do everything. I want them to know that we are all equal on this earth in terms of our value and self worth, but that each person has individual talents, weaknesses, privileges, and that equality doesn't always translate to fairness. Appreciation - for what they've earned and for what they've been given. Responsibility - for themselves, to others, and for the things they care about.

So the next big question is, how do I teach them these things? Is staying at home with them the best way to do it? Don't get me wrong, the idea of putting them in full-time daycare (or preschool as it's more p.c. to say) while I run off to my career gives me the heebeegeebies. I can't imagine dropping off my 2 year old and infant and driving away, not to see them for 8 or more hours. I don't know how working moms survive the trauma of it!

At the same time, I am enormously privileged just to have the choice. And I don't take that lightly, which is why I have to question the long term effect of my decision on my children, and their children after that.

What's really best for my kids? And is what's best for my kids also best for me? And my husband? The most profound influence I can have is most likely on my kids. And if I'm not there to be that influence, no one else will step up to the plate and teach them the values that I think they should have.

But, would being a stay at home mom unintentionally teach them other things that I don't want them to learn? Am I conveying a message to them that they're the center of my world, and by default the center of the world? (or, as they'd say in Romanian, the belly-button of the universe) Or, am I teaching them archaic role division, that men should earn a living and women should stay home? (I won't take time here to delve into that role division and why I chose 'archaic' to describe it) Where will they see an example of a successful woman who can balance a career and a family? And are starbucks and consignment sales just today's version of the ironing board and fresh baked pies that wives and mothers were so focused on 50 years ago?

Or, if staying at home isn't all it's cracked up to be, what are the alternatives? A full-time career would likely mean missing more than just lunch-times with my kids and sidewalk chalk murals. It would also likely mean missing PTA meetings, piano recitals, and field trips. Or, staying on the bottom rung of the proverbial career ladder in order not to miss those events. Alternatively, there's always part-time employment, but I know of no career that allows people to work part-time hours (or, let's face it, mere 40 hour work weeks) with any ambition of upward mobility.

All that leaves me wondering, what is more important - being available to my kids every waking hour (be it 2 in the afternoon or 2 in the morning), or showing my kids the importance of a fulfilling career and the potential to affect and influence the world around them? Or is there a way to do both?