Dilemma

I have a terrible dilemma. I've been slighted by someone in a position of power above someone I care deeply about. I want to act like a toddler, beat my fists against a wall, and ensure this person knows how angry I am. But that would be immature, and counter-productive. The better idea would be to take on a southern-belle-etiquette-slash- sarcastic-with-a-smile attitude (think Emily Gilmore from the gilmore girls). Unfortunately, that's never been my style. And if I try it, will I fall flat on my face? Maybe I should just get over it and move on. I suppose that would be the mature thing to do. But can't I accidentally slip laxatives into his gin or something? And then throw a toddler-style fit.

Now, moving on... I'm a big girl and I have no need for grudges. Anyhow, Liam had his first hair cut - isn't he cute?! At least now people won't laugh at him so much.

Hydrocephalus

Wow it's been a while since I've posted! Last week we were faced with a CAT scan for Liam - only 9 months old! - to rule out hydrocephalus and brain tumors. Iti inchipui? So, the first part of the week was awful - I went through a million scenarios in my mind. I worried and worried about the CAT scan. All the information I had said that Liam would have to be aenesthetized. He had just given blood and that was hard enough. I didn't want to watch the nurse insert an IV and then have to watch his little eyes slowly close as he went under.

Well, perfect baby that he is, the nurse tried to do the scan without aenesthesia, and he stayed perfectly still! Again, iti inchipui? (Can you imagine? - romanian) I stood outside the room and prayed like mad, and he layed perfectly still while they did the scan. No need to medicate that kid! And, hours later, I called the doctor for the results, and they confirmed that Liam has a big, healthy head.

While all this was going on, I learned more about hydrocephalus. As it turns out, congenital hydrocephalus is usually because of a problem that occurs in utero. They try to catch it by the time the baby is 4-9 months, and with the use of a shunt and when caught early, most babies grow up to live relatively normal lives with very little long term brain damage. It is very treatable and manageable.

I also thought a lot about how I would explain it to Sofia if Liam did indeed need treatment. I finally decided, and this was a difficult topic to think about, that I would teach her that all things are created by God - she is, Liam is, the trees and butterflies, popsickles, and Larry the cucumber... But even hydrocephalus is created by God. Contrary to what most people would tell you, it isn't a disease or a birth defect, because God didn't make a mistake. And, in God's eyes, hydrocephalus is a blessing. We may never understand how, but God's ways are not our ways and his thoughts are not our thoughts. But if we truly believe that He created all things out of a void, than we must believe that even illnesses, tumors, and what we would call birth defects are all created by an all-loving, sovereign God who doesn't make mistakes. And the things that we see as ailments or 'thorns' in our side as Paul said, very well may be designed by God to bless us. The hard thing about that is that when you're going through it, I don't know how you'd look at the struggles, losses, and pain as blessing. But I have to believe (and maybe it's easier for me because I haven't been there) that even things that may seem like curses are actually blessings.

By the time we had the scan, I was at peace with the situation, and had decided that if God had designed Liam with hydrocephalus, we would cope with and use his weakness to bind the family together and grow together. I praise God that he's healthy though, and I can only hope that a hydrocephalus scare is the biggest issue we have to deal with for a long time.

Discipline

There was a baptism at church on Sunday - infants, by sprinkling. I won't get into a debate on that, but suffice it to say that I love Perimeter in spite of it! Randy Pope, our pastor, gives a little primer on parenting every time he does a baptism. The gist of it is that as parents our responsibility is to give our children what they need, and what they need isn't always what they want. Specifically, he says, our children need discipline. Without using the actual words, Randy alluded to the necessity of spanking. Their most important need is love, but but if we truly love our children we'll discipline them well - lovingly but firmly.

I've never spanked my kids, but I'm not entirely opposed to it. I know plenty of parents whose 'dirty secret' is that they've spanked their kids before and still use the threat of it to keep their kids in line. I've never had to do it with mine - Liam's too young, and we've always been able to persuade Sofia with rewards ('reward' sounds better than 'bribe', right?) and time outs. I haven't ruled it out, but I'm thankful that I haven't been in a position yet where it was called for (I'm not saying 'appropriate' because the very term 'appropriate' when used in the same sentence with spanking is debatable). Proverbs 13:24 specifically refers to spanking. The OT --> NT theory that God is more lenient and doles out grace more abundantly in the NT doesn't work either. First of all, God doesn't change. The OT God is the same as the NT God. The only difference is that we're now made righteous by Jesus' work on the cross. But that doesn't mean God won't discipline us. Ephesians 6:4 promts fathers to rightly discipline their children. When we look at the character of God we see that He disciplines us, and expects us to do the same with those He's given us charge over. For the benefit of discipline, look at Hebrews 12:11. It's just like a grapevine. Let wild, it produces few grapes, and they're sour. But prune it well and the harvest will be richer and sweeter.

I don't know when spanking would be 'appropriate'. But I do know it has to be done in love. And, all kids are different. I've never had to spank Sofia, because when she finds that we're disappointed with something she's done, she's mortified. She's so sensitive, and the mere threat of upsetting her parents keeps her in line.

And, when you bring something like love languages into the equation, what does that do? For a child whose love language is touch (and it absolutely is not Sofia's, but we'll have to see about Liam), spanking or any type of physical punishment would be absolutely wrong - because it would be using the way they express or receive love against them. So perhaps different children necessitate different means of discipline and correction, based on their personalities and character. But we, like God, should be more concerned with our children's character development than their comfort level.

Sofia is starting to show us some attitude - when she doesn't get her way, she shoots me a look to kill. I think she probably got it from me, but let's pretend she didn't... And today when I picked her up from preschool, her teacher told me she was 'mad' - she didn't get to have a job today. There are several jobs that different kids get to do each day to help the teacher, and when they get a job they wear a special star. Sofia wanted to wear a star. So apparently all day long she was mad, even though she'll get to have a job (and thus, a star) on Thursday when she goes to school. So where is this new attitude coming from (please don't say me) and how do I curb it before it gets out of control?

Mom Corps

I just found the coolest thing online - it's called Mom Corps and it's a matchmaking service between former full-time professionals who have become stay at home moms and employers looking for non-traditional employees. Check it out here. I'd still love to come up with a great idea and become a mompreneur, but in the meantime, while I'm brainstorming for greatness and coming up with funds to finance my upcoming brilliant idea, maybe I could find non-traditional work in my field. Do you think I have too much going on? (I ask this as Sofia is watching TV - but I least I made her a healthy breakfast this morning and we already took a walk! And when Liam wakes up we'll all be off to the park.)

Of course, the real impact of this website (Mom Corps, that is) is that it circumvents the brain drain of qualified women from the work force. The current trend is that top colleges have a gender imbalance - there are more women seeking higher degrees than men. But, several years after graduation, a huge number of those women leave the work force to raise families. Women are not taking on upper level positions in major corporations because they're choosing families over careers. People like Linda Hirshman say this is because the feminist movement stopped short of its goal. The feminist movement made significant headway in the professional world, but never transformed family life and gender roles. While Mom Coprs doesn't really address that side of it, it does offer an alternative to the current gender imbalance in the workplace. Is it possible that women really can have it all (with the added plus of mopping floors, cooking meals, and being interior decorators to say the least...)?

I'm so proud!

For those of you who don't know, my brother, Capt. Robert Stanton is in Afghanistan with the 10th Mountain Division (as is his wife, helicopter pilot Capt. Casey Martinez). Over the past week, Rob has had his picture and voice broadcast across America. He's been on ABC world news, Nightline, had his picture on AP newswire, and been quoted all over the place, even with one interview available in audio online! It's been awesome to see and hear him so much when he's so far away! He's done really well with his interviews - so well that Eugene thinks he should go into politics ( and I do too!). So, in another couple of years, when Robert Stanton is running for election for some local post, get out and vote for him! (Yes, I realize it's silly to campaign for someone who isn't running, but the time will come...)

GIs hunt al-Qaida in Afghan mountains
Restraint even facing death
Small fight to build an Army

Preschool rocks!

So, 2 weeks in, and I'm loving it! The bonus - Sofia loves it too! I just became room mom - the egoist in me wants to think that it's because I'm the greatest mom (you know, I make the best lunches, dress my child the most appropriately, and have raised my child better than everyone else). Of course, the real reason I'm room mom is I was the only idiot who signed up. No, I take that back. One other mom signed up. Then she found out what was involved and backed out. So it's just me.

Anyhow, the point of this is that preschool is the best thing that could have happened to Sofia. (Footnote... If you haven't been following, Sofia started preschool - mothers' morning out, really - a couple weeks ago and she goes for two half days a week.) She picked up a cold there, but that's a small price to pay. And besides, the more colds she gets now, the stronger her immune system will be later, right? She doesn't cry when I take her to preschool or Sunday school anymore! She's more confident, she's more independent, she's more social, and she's not afraid of so many things anymore! It's fabulous. Yesterday she had to stay home because she was sick, but she was really heartbroken that she couldn't go! All morning, she found different ways (and reasons) to ask if we could go. In fact, when Liam woke up after Sofia and I ate lunch, she said that now that Liam was awake, we could go to preschool! I love her logic! What a great kid!

And, now that Sofia's in preschool, I can get things done a couple days a week! So, I'm hoping to get in a meeting with the Business Partners International next week to talk about a possible ministry opportunity in Thailand! If Sofia weren't in preschool a couple days a week, I doubt I'd be able to even think about things like that! I'm still hoping that I'll be able to start up some type of mompreneur-ish type of thing (how wonderfully specific I can be!) Do I really want to commit myself to something again that very well may fail? Am I crazy to think I can take on a whole new business? Probably. But crazy is okay, right? even fun, in small doses at least. We'll just have to see. I think I'll wait on Liam's CT scan before I make any plans.

Plans made. Somewhat.

I think I've figured it out. Long term plans, that is. I've had this whole dilemma about what to be when I grow up. (See my very first post from August this year for more on that.) Long term vision: To end the traffic of women from Moldova into sex slavery. (Did you know that there are more slaves worldwide today than there were when slavery was abolished in the US?)

To do that, I think I need a law degree. It would give me the legitimacy in Moldova to work in that arena, and the international law expertise to work towards that goal. The problem all along was, how do I do it without sacrificing my family? The women and moms I respect most have careers - but they work from their homes, so they're always around for their kids, and by being their own bosses they can take off time when they need to.

So, here it is... I can go to law school part time over the next 5 years or so. Once I've graduated and past the bar, I work part time for an NGO. After I have enough experience (and as long as we're in the US), I set up office in my home and be my own boss, doing some sort of consulting or private practice. The key is that I have to be content with never becoming a high-powered corporate lawyer earning the big bucks. I'll get my kicks from the impact I have as an agent of change.

Short term, I don't know how to make that work. I still want to be a MOMpreneur and I don't want to wait until I can run my own home-based private practice to do that. So, is there some venture I can start in the meantime and work at while I do this? I have almost a full year before I'll enter law school (assuming my application is accepted). I'll have to think more on that. Maybe I can get something started, and have it running smoothly enough by fall next year that it won't be a drain on my time.

Ambata

Check out my brand spankin new Ambata clickable image on the right (I did the html code myself - aren't you proud? Look underneath my friendly sheep mascot). Ambata is a super cool website that retails fair trade goods from around the world. This is all grass-roots stuff, environmentally sustainable, and supports the communities that produce the goods. Way better than buying your stuff from places like Pottery Barn and Starbucks. But don't take my word for it - check it out for yourself! I especially like the jewellery and purses!

New concept...

A good friend and mentor, Kristin, told me the other day that Eisenhower's mother taught her children that each child in the family is essential to the family's existence, to the point that if the child were not a part of the family, the family unit would fall apart. I see this in two ways, really. On one hand, it gives the kids a very strong sense that they matter, that they're important, and that their every contribution is crucial. And that's a very good thing. On the other hand, what kind of pressure does that put on them, and what kind of expectations? Don't get me wrong, expectations are a good thing. And perhaps, when balanced with constant reassurance of unconditional love that pressure might be okay too. I just have this sense that telling my kids that the family wouldn't exist without them gives them constant pressure not to let the family down. So maybe the concept is good, but the wording should be altered. Maybe that means I should tell my kids how important they are to me, and how vital their contribution to the family is. And besides, I truly think that my family's well being depends more on God and our individual relationships with God than on any individual.

On a different note, I put a note in Sofi's lunch box every day. Tuesday I wrote "You're a star." When I picked her up from preschool and asked her what she ate for lunch, she rattled off an orange, cheese, turkey, and crackers, and "Mama says I'm a star!" It really does matter to her! And just this morning I was playing with her on the couch, and had to run to the next room. I reassured her that I'd be right back because... "you're so much..." (pause as I choke back sneeze) and she finished my sentence with "FUN!" Do you know what that means? It means that I tell her enough how much I appreciate spending time with her - enough that she knows it and can say it back to me! It warmed my heart!

Cuties!

Kids come up with the best stuff! Liam just turned 9 months today - he's taking his precious time on things that Sofia developed early, like gross motor skills and verbalizing. But he has the cutest little 'growl' that he does - he was wearing a tiger shirt yesterday and it was so ironic, because all day long he just growled and growled! He has 2 different growls, really. One is more of a purring sound, and the other is a rough, throaty growl that would scare away any large predator - who needs a guard dog when I have a growler at home?!

And Sofia says the cutest things now. She's experimenting with language, but I'm noticing that comes up with my phrases pretty frequently, only mixed and jumbled together. So today we were sitting at lunch and she asked where Tata is. I explained, quite honestly, that Tata is getting his fingerprints done for his important documents. Her reply, as she turned back to her mac & cheese, "Oh, that's a good idea mama. And maybe tomorrow he can go to Nordstrom." Where does she come up with this stuff? The other day we were eating a peach cobbler and Eugene was sharing with her. When his plate was empty she turned to me and asked me to get more... for Tata! (If you believe she really wanted it for Tata, I have a bridge to sell you!)

mompreneur

I just found a new word that i love on entrepreneur.com - MOMpreneur! Isn't it great?! So, that's my new obsession. I have to become a mompreneur. I'm not sure exactly what kind of business I want to start, but I'll find something. Okay, the real problem is that I have too many ideas to settle on one. I need some time to evaluate and plan. I'd tell you my ideas, but then someone might steal them... sneaky web-savvy idea snatchers... Not that I really think anyone reads my blog, but you can never be too careful, right? Who knows what kind of predators are out there just looking to steal a mompreneur idea... Or am i back to thinking I'm the center of the universe?

Anyhow, stay tuned to see what I eventually settle on for the secret to my (distant future) success! I'm on my way to rich and famous! (perhaps not, but why should I settle?)

Too much stuff

Last night we had some friends over for dinner. They're a family from Moldova, and they're great people. But you should have seen their eyes when they saw the playroom! Their 9-yr old daughter was amazed. I don't think she'd ever seen so many toys in one place. They all mentioned, numerous times, that they didn't have those sort of things growing up. All the batteries, all the many many toys. They were pretty shocked. And to think about it, maybe we should be too. Maybe we shouldn't have so many toys that both kids can spend an entire day inside without playing with the same toy twice, and without getting bored.

It seems that our kids should have to use their imagination more. And have a strong desire to go outside or find friends to play with, rather than actually wanting to stay inside all day and play with their toys. Am I right? Or maybe I'm just crazy.

What does it do to my kids to have that many toys? Well, they get bored when they don't have lots of toys around, because they aren't used to using their imaginations. They expect to always have lots of toys, and they take them for granted. Not good. They'd rather spend a day playing with toys instead of doing other things. Of course, the good part is that my kids can pretty much entertain themselves while I cook dinner or sweep the floor (or write my blog...). It sure does make my day easier. But that's not really what parenting is all about.

And what kind of example do I set for them? I have 3 strollers, at least 5 diaper bags, more shoes than I'd like to count, the list goes on. What would it take to ensure that my kids aren't materialistic? It starts with me and Eugene. We have to curb our spending habits and learn to go without a little more frequently. And then, we have to stop anticipating our kids' every desire and fulfilling before they even have a chance to ask. There's something about a sense of desire. I met a 6-yr old once who couldn't name anything she wanted for Christmas, because she already had everything she wanted. That's not because she was content with what she had, it was because her house was full from top to bottom with all the things she could ever ask for.

I think I need to set better limits for Sofia. It's time to let the word "no" flow a little more, and put a reign on "yes," "maybe," and "next time." It's also time to evaluate my purchases a bit more discerningly.

Kids first? I don't think so...

If my world (and by that I mean my thoughts, my identity, my actions, and the way I spend my time) revolve around my kids, it tells them that the world revolves around them. Besides that, it puts unrealistic pressure on them - if my world revolves around them then my sense of success and fulfillment revolves around their character development, their decisions, and how they choose to behave and spend their time. That's more pressure than any child should have.

Security comes (in part) from knowing that the people who raised you support you, support your choices, and moreover, are secure in their own identity. Parents place undue pressure on their kids when they depend on their kids for their meaning in life, sense of fulfillment and purpose.

Prioritizing in the art of making primary what should be primary, and allowing other things to fall rightly into place behind that. For me, what's primary is God. He created me, rescued me from self-destruction and sin, and regardless of what rotten thoughts I have, or how depraved I am, He still loves me according to his abundant grace. He is the only one who will never disappoint me, and will always love me with no reservations. Next is my husband. And I know that seems awfully counter-cultural and scandalous to put him before my kids, but I truly think that's the way it should be. He was my family before my kids ever were, and he is essential to my kids' emotional and developmental well-being. And that places my kids third in line. That doesn't mean I love them any less, it just means that my choices in life need to be prioritized correctly and I can never put my kids before my relationship with my husband.

Finally, coming in behind my family is my career, or future career, or extra-familial impact on the world around me, in whatever form that may be. And that career or whatever it is and becomes, should serve those things that stand higher on my list of priorities. That means, it should somehow serve the Kingdom of God and tangibly exhibit God's love for the world. It should also allow ample space for my family to grow and thrive.

As I think about the many forms that may take, and the life goals I have for myself, what I keep coming back to is rehabilitation for victims of the sex trade in Eastern Europe, and assisting in the effort to stop that trade. Unfortunately, I don't see how my current set of skills and expertise fit into that. So there lies the quandary. All the sincerity and good intentions in the world won't make a bit of difference.

I do want to be able to look back at my life when I'm 95 (optimistic, I know, but Eugene will outlive me), and see that I truly made a difference in the world. Of course I'll make a difference in my children's lives, and that alone is sufficient, but how else can I leave my footprint on the world? I'd like to look back and see that I affected long term change. I'd also like to know that God used me to do His will, and that other people's lives and eternal lives were impacted. We'll see how that plays out. But in the meantime, I still have to figure out what to do with today.

First day

Today was Sofi's first day of preschool. I took her to her classroom promptly at 9:30, walked away, and then drove off with nary a tear. Does that make me a bad mom? I wasn't skipping through the parking lot or singing Joy to the World either, but how can I leave my baby girl with near strangers and walk away unaffected? Maybe I wasn't totally unaffected. I did spend the rest of the day snapping at people who cut me off on the road, sulking, and doing my absolute best to avoid conversation with anyone. But the preschool had this nice little room set up for parents to sit and enjoy coffee and doughnuts while their children acclimated to their classrooms. There were designated "checkers" to go to different classrooms and check on nervous parents' kids. All the parents provided moral support for each other, and there were boxes of tissues strategically placed around the room. And then there's me. I darted straight out of Sofi's classroom, skipped the hospitality suite, and headed directly for my car. I didn't greet the ever-friendly greeters. I didn't make small talk with the other parents. I didn't even snag a doughnut and cup of coffee to go. I didn't look back.

Of course, I had a good excuse. I was late for my discipleship group at church. I was providing snacks today and was already 20 minutes late. But shouldn't it have been harder to leave my first born child in someone else's hands?

She loved it, by the way. She was excited to see her classroom and her teacher when we were down the hall, but when we got to the door and I gently pushed her inside, the waterworks started, on her end at least. But she loved it, in the end. She wants to go back now. In fact, when she 'woke up' from her 'nap,' her request was to go back to preschool and then go to bed after that. So, here's hoping Thursday goes smoothly.

Mean preschoolers

So, I took Sofi to preview day at her preschool (or Mothers' Morning Out program) - I'm not a hypocrite, I'm just sending her 2 mornings a week. That way, she gets the enrichment and social activity, and I can run my errands without dragging her around town whining and complaining. And, when she comes home I can be mentally there with her rather than going through my mental lists of what I need to get done.

So, this whole preschool thing... at preview day there was a little boy who wouldn't share with her. I want to give her coping mechanisms for that, so I told her to go and ask him to let her have a turn too, please, which she did with finesse and charm. But, the little bugger (I'm not biased, really) said no and walked off with the toy (which, by the way, he had just snatched from her sweet little hand). Sadly, she looked to me for wisdom, and hoping I'd solve the problem for her. I won't always be there though, so she needs to learn to cope, right? So I did my best to explain that not all boys and girls have learned how much fun it can be to share, so she would just have to show them and set a good example. Now, that's fine when I'm sitting next to her to give her comfort and courage, but what happens this Tuesday when I drop her off and drive away, leaving her with 8 other kids and 2 teachers? I'm sure the teachers won't see everything, and I don't want to teach Sofi to be a tattle-tale. It's amazing how young bullies start being bullies (and I don't mean to say that this little boy was a bully, but what if there is one in her class?) and in a class of 9 kids there are only 3 girls. I do so hope the girls accept her. Girls can be brutal! Cliques form at such a young age, and they only get worse as they grow up.

Sadly, even moms at the playground separate into groups based on the brand of stroller or diaper bag you have. Or the brand of shoes, brand of kids' clothes, or even whether you stopped at Chick Fil A for lunch or Wendy's, and of course there are those moms who took the time and energy to prepare a healthy picnic lunch before leaving the house - and our kids probably shouldn't even be neighbors with their kids on the swing-set - we might inadvertently tempt them to indulge in some sort of grease saturated junk food and then where would the world be?

We're all in this together, right? all the preschoolers starting for the first time are in the same boat - missing their moms and dads (and siblings if they're so blessed), in a new chaotic environment that seems at once exciting and threatening, and having to make new friends with strange kids when they don't even know how to make friends or even play together - really, they have to parallel play with strangers! So why can't they love each other and create a warm, fuzzy, supportive environment? Well, part 1, because they're not developmentally there. Part 2, and probably more important, because we moms and dads don't model the example enough for them. Can't we all just get along?

Okay, abandon the cliches, but really, if we want our kids to have better social skills, we have to make some effort to stop judging our own peers. And we also have to teach our kids that not everyone will like them. As sad as it sounds, and as much as I hate to admit it, not everyone will like my precious angels. And I need to teach them that's okay and give them the skills they need to cope with it. My first instinct is to tell Sofi before she goes to school that she'll make new friends and that all the kids will love her. But, I can't really make that promise, and frankly, there probably will be kids that don't like her. And it's my job to teach her that's okay, and to treat other kids with respect even if she doesn't like them. Eek! it's a harsh world out there, and I'm just not ready to share that harshness with my kids at such a young age! But sheltering them won't help either.